That’s what I said to my partner as she and The Two Year Old we’re getting in the car this morning. Her full-time job and long commute means that my alone-with-the-children days are twelve hours long, five days a week. Giving me some time alone was the best gift she could give me. Hi, my name is Rachel and I am an introvert. And that is a hard thing to be with two children under the age of three.
The one that came before, with whom I’ve done this bedtime with two years ago,
the bedtime of endless crying, little body rolling over and over and over again as if on a spit
head plowing into the pillows, head butting the walls
the instinctive need to ambulate
the ability not quite there but so close
impossible to let the trying go, and yet
here sleep is, here it is, there now, hush.
This is not that child,
The one who slept in closets or on boards
just for the fun of it
who emptied her drawers to sleep on a bed of clothes
who remembers all these nighttime rituals thirty years later, and only now gives a sympathetic thought to that child’s mother, who never got enough sleep
that child can bring up from the depths of memory a particular smell
that she always knew was her mother’s scent but
only now when it soaks her own clothes, pouring freely in little white rivers for this child
understands that all this time, it was the milk.
the scent memory so strong, animal in its ability to tie infant to mother so tightly that they can find one another even in the dark, breast and mouth,
smells like love, like eggs, like dark warm, like head in lap, like eyes hiding in a warm neck, like cows in fresh hay, like female skin, like celery, like sweat, like blankets, like a mother’s pillow.
This is not either of these children,
but like happens and has happened a thousand thousand times before
the sleep will come, milky and heavy
stillness will settle into small limbs, and you, my child, will assume the shape of all-surrender.
I’ll place the blanket over you, and while you’ll be half-aware, your body will not move. Like when, after waking in the middle of the night you might lift yourself from the mattress to peer outside and discover that a blanket of snow covers everything in the world, but this change will just invite more sleep. Stillness and silence, these are discoveries.
By the blankets, we know the world has changed, but all the better for sleeping, and so we shall.